Which is exactly why Buddhism is for losers. No one wants to be the Dalai Lama. If standing by helplessly as others dominate you is supposed to be the highest example of holiness, then it is quite simply rotten. It got closer than the Abrahamic religions because it teaches you to accept what you can't change, but it teaches this at the cost of giving up the will to change the things you want to change that DO bother you.
Of course the things I do are a choice. Everything is. I chose to restrain myself for a good 10-11 years and it was utterly miserable. Why would I desire relationships I do not need on the condition that I do what I do not want? Makes no sense.
I don't expect anything from anyone aside from treating me with the same respect I treat them. If I am not welcome somewhere, I have no problem leaving. Being myself alone is far preferable to being someone else with a bunch of people who will never be closer than acquaintances.
As I am sure you are already aware in moments of clarity, your fear of being evaluated and rejected by others is so severe that you’ve made the choice to engage in behaviors that ensue it will happen, thus at least giving yourself a feeling of agency and control over that process.
Perhaps you will come to terms with this in time to live some portion of your life with a different approach.
You might be stuck at a local maximum, and might find even more happiness by exploring other ways.
I'm not suggesting you should throw away what works for you, but if you only do the things that are already working, you might miss out on something you would have enjoyed.
You have completely misunderstood not only Buddhism but what Sartre meant when he said Hell is other people. Buddhism does not advocate for anything you are putting on it.
A Buddhist does not simply accept abuse and is not a passive actor. On the contrary, accomplished practitioners brim with vigor, courage and their own personality.
You've designed a life where you are comfortable but at the potential expense of anyone you encounter. That is not an accomplished life. That is a life of poisoned self-indulgence.
Ive never understppd people who interrupt sp can I ask - if you interrupt someone and they then interupt you and say "shut up and let me finish" is this offensive to you or do you consider it a normal event in the course of a convo?
I tend not to do this just to keep the peace, but It absolutely infuriates me when im interrupted and id love to be able to just re-interrupt people
Of course the things I do are a choice. Everything is. I chose to restrain myself for a good 10-11 years and it was utterly miserable. Why would I desire relationships I do not need on the condition that I do what I do not want? Makes no sense.
I don't expect anything from anyone aside from treating me with the same respect I treat them. If I am not welcome somewhere, I have no problem leaving. Being myself alone is far preferable to being someone else with a bunch of people who will never be closer than acquaintances.